Mom s love blackmail made me dare not get married! Psychological counselor: To change the situation, start with the daughter, set the emotional boundary line and change the communication method

I am 42 years old this year. I take care of my 70-year-old mother who divorced in my early years. In recent years, my mother has been unable to leave her household and often roared and pointed at me. Even if she was in charge of family affairs and was with her side, she was still unhappy. Recently, she even called me to call me for an hour, or asked me to take a leave of absence. She also threatened to come to the company to criticize me for being unfilial if she didn't answer the phone. She also often put curses around her mouth, which made me feel so stressful that I could only move.

My mother dared not get married, and no partner was willing to jump into the trap of her original family; the company also issued a warning, and I was worried that I would not be safe at any time in my work, which would make the family face difficulties. I don't know how long it will take for such a day. (Ms. Wang) The above cases are a clear "emotional blackmail", but what is emotional blackmail, and how to unravel? The concept of emotional blackmail comes from psychological therapist Su Shan. Forward's book "Emotional Blackmail" refers to "a person uses your emotions and feelings to control your behavior and convince you to see things the way they do."

can be divided into six stages, including: demand, resistance, pressure, threat, succession, repetition, etc. This is why once a relationship falls into emotional blackmail, it often happens repeatedly, which is difficult to jump out. Regarding the situation of emotional blackmail, psychological counselor Xu Zhuyuan suggested that the first thing to do is to establish a "emotional line".

To change the situation. Start with your daughter.

Xu Zhuyuan shares a story. When a man started the car, he found a woman wandering under the lights and got off the car and asked if she needed help. The woman told her that she was looking for a key. The man asked, do you remember where the key fell? The woman replied that the key fell 2 kilometers away; the man said strangely, why are you looking for the key here? The woman said, "Because it is brighter here, it makes me more habitual and feel safer."

This story shows that many people stay in familiar and habitual environments and relationships, may know the end of the problem, and wander in place because they are afraid of change.

The Miss Wang who came here to believe in this relationship with her mother may have been like this for many years, and has formed a fixed pattern. The mother does not even feel that she is extorting her daughter.

Over the long term, the daughter has been afraid to get married and even has to lose her job. Finally, she asked helplessly, "How long will this last?" Xu Zhuyuan suggested that if she wants to improve the situation, she should start with her daughter himself, because the days ahead are still long. If her love is not overwhelmed by the negative side, her mother and daughter will collapse together.

Setting the emotional boundary line Change communication method

Xu Zhuyuan said that improving the situation of being blackmailed by emotions is a long way to go. You won’t see the effect immediately. You will definitely feel guilty at the beginning. This is normal and a necessary process. It is recommended that you can first develop from two aspects.

The first step is to stop intentionally and set the emotional boundary line. When you find that the other party starts to extort emotionally again, you should first calm down and do not accept all the requests of the other party due to the emotional transformation.

For example, when the company receives a call from her mother's jail, you can say "I want to go to the bathroom now", "My boss asks me if you have something to do, let's leave first", etc. This is not only a physical separation, but also a psychological break and a calm down first.

The second step is to not blame the other party and slowly take over the other party's feelings by delaying the war. In addition to the first step, pressing the pause button first, changing the communication skills are also important. Xu Zhuyuan explained the example, "Mom, the question you want to discuss is very important. I think we can spend 2 hours discussing during dinner, and now we will not say &hellip clearly on the phone." The purpose is to let the other party know that they still value and do not stop the other party.

Xu Zhuyuan reminded that emotional blackmail is a long-term growth, and it is difficult to reverse the situation for a while, but you must let yourself seriously establish a boundary of emotions, not only declare to yourself, but also let the other party know that this is the real opportunity to find a different light from the original chaotic relationship.