Many psychologists and generals of Proud agreed that if there is a problem with the relationship, both parties will be responsible because "one slap cannot be slapped." This kind of misconception is very dangerous. Abuse relationships occu...
Many psychologists and generals of Proud agreed that if there is a problem with the relationship, both parties will be responsible because "one slap cannot be slapped." This kind of misconception is very dangerous.
Abuse relationships occur in many parties, including family, company or partner, but often they are not seen by each other, so they are confused. We must understand this interactive mode in order to see the clues and prevent or end abuse relations.
All control relationships will experience violent words and deeds, but they will vary in degrees, and their frequency, strength and motor behavior will also vary. In the most serious abuse relationship, one party will keep controlling, intentionally or unconsciously maintaining the status of control. Lundy Bancroft, an expert in domestic violence and abuse, pointed out that the abuse method is deliberately planned and aims to maintain power and control the other party for a long time.
The most common form of abuse at present is emotional abuse, also known as psychological abuse. Of course, all abuse is emotional and there is no pure physical abuse. We are beaten by people we trust, and our emotions and bodies will be damaged.
Through psychological abuse, the abuser attempts to weaken the other party's power or humiliate it, making it increasingly difficult for the other party to resist and be more controlful. Whether in home or workplace, abusers will use similar psychological warfare. Similarly, the leaders of the new religious leaders, slanders and ambitious people will all establish the supreme control. Through careful manipulation, they took away the victims' autonomy and turned them into slaves. In more severe cases, the abused person will maintain the abuse relationship and no longer resist.
In order to achieve his purpose, the abuser has all the words and verbal rights, so that the abuser cannot see that he is under control; he does not believe his views and dare not doubt the abuser's words and deeds. The abuser will give the responsibility to the other party: "You force me to do this, and I'm all for your own good." Or deliberately make things smaller: "It's not that bad, it's because you react too much." The abuser not only violates his will, but his autonomy and self-esteem will also be greatly damaged, and eventually loses the idea of resistance. Just like in a war, prisoners are forced to kill their comrades; or their wives are domestically abused by their husbands and cannot take care of their children. The abuser builds an invisible prison in the heart of the abuser, and serves the same as a real prison cell. Insiders are usually confused, why the wife who is suspected of being abused by domestic violence does not divorce, why the employee who is bullied by the supervisor does not resign, or why the daughter who is blackmailed by love keeps constantly engaging in family relationships.
Emotional abuse makes people physically and mentally exhausted, the abused person's sense of self-value continues to decline, and he becomes increasingly distrusted by his own views. The emotions become increasingly unstable and his sense of anxiety increases. I don't know where the problem lies. They are also tired and dissatisfied, but because they are physically abused, they cannot express their sincerity for personal safety or fear. For a long time, they have used various direct or indirect methods to suppress emotions. For example, the family of the abused person once visited his home, but the abuser made excuses not to tell the abuser. The abuser burst into tears due to the tragedy. In this case, the abuser feels that the abuser has a disturbed mood and awkward thoughts, which is difficult to deal with. This interactive pattern is easiest to see in sexual abuse relationships. Relations expert Terrence Real reminds everyone that women who are prone to hysteria may develop into abuse if they are paired with seemingly cold-hearted men.
According to statistics, in abuse relations, few parties are abusers, and usually only one party is committing violence. In heterosexual relationships, the abuser is usually a male, but women are weaker from the perspective of innate biological conditions. Generally speaking, men will constantly learn various power control methods during their growth, so that they can become the so-called "real men"; while women tend to be a good partner and have low autonomy under the requirements of society. Of course, some abusers are women. In addition to their sexual partners, they also experience abuse and abuse in their same-sex relationships.
Many psychologists and generals of Proud agreed that if there is a problem with the relationship, both parties will be responsible because "one slap cannot be slapped." This kind of misconception is very dangerous. However, in power control relationships, the status of both parties is unequal, and conflicts are usually caused by one party. Besides, no matter what your partner does, it cannot be regarded as an excuse for violence.
Indicators for abuse relationships
How do you know that you are trapped in abuse relationships? Experts believe that the most important indicator is their own feelings. What is so stung is that the abused person cannot trust his feelings. The following questions help distinguish situations:
*When a conflict occurs, are I afraid of being scared by the other party, and my body and emotions have a fearful reaction?
＊Does the other party respect me? ＊Is the other party willing to listen to my thoughts, feelings and needs, and take the problem seriously?
＊After putting forward my concerns to discuss, the other party finally changed and focused on what I had done wrong.
*No matter how hard I work to communicate, the content of the conversation is never constructive.
*Does it often feel guilty? ＊Did you pay too much attention to each other's relationship and always want to find ways to improve it? ＊Do you think you are sane and sensible?
＊Does your mood rise and fall as the relationship is so bad?
*The opponent was difficult to take the blame, and I was always upset about the current situation and felt very stubborn.
*Have your confidence decreased? ＊It is becoming increasingly difficult to believe in your own experience and opinions.
＊After the conflict, the two people reconciled, they were worried that they would say something wrong again.
*After a conflict occurs, will the other party take responsibility and make sure to self-examination to avoid similar problems in the future?
＊I hope the other party will be responsible for harming me, but he humiliated me instead, complained that I asked too much and saw too much.
* There is always a slight verbal word. ＊I want to challenge his authority, but the other party counterattacks me and I want to control him.
＊I feel inferior and can't lift my head in front of him. I feel like I can't do anything well.
The abuser gets angry if he does not move, but the abuser does not have the right to complain. If the abused person can detect his anger, he will not tolerate the other party's evil behavior again and again. In order to prevent the abused person from getting angry, the most common trick used by the abuser is to make the other party not know whether he has been treated fairly. The abused person will be punished when he complains, making him afraid to say another word. For example, the company's supervisor is domineering and stubborn. You can't help but complain at the meeting. The workload is unevenly distributed and you feel uncomfortable. At this time, the boss started a long discussion, emphasizing how many sacrifices he had done for the company, and the employees were both careful and ungrateful. At the end of the talk, the boss felt very disappointed and was ruined. He left the meeting room without saying a word, and he did not respond to your questions at all. In fact, the message your boss sends to you is that interested employees will definitely pay the price. Abusive relationships will definitely cause injuries, and the abused person will definitely suffer from certain symptoms of "incidence post-pressure disorders".
These symptoms do not fade even after the relationship is over. They are not symbols of cowardice, but natural reactions of abuse. Only by understanding this truth can the abused person have the opportunity to be cured.
Please note that if a reader thinks he is in abusive relationship, then your interactions are beyond the scope of the discussion in this book, and the best way to do this is to end this relationship. If you have doubts about your personal safety, you must take action immediately and seek assistance resources to protect the safety of yourself and your family.
Book Introduction
Book Name: Relationship Immunity: Harvard psychologists teach you to establish a virtuous human relationship and effectively repair emotional cleavage
Author: Mei Leni. Joy
Publishing House: Timely Publication
Publication Date: 2021/02/19
Author Introduction/Mei Leni. Melanie Joy
psychologist, graduated from Harvard University, and has a professional field of international relations, communication and social changes. Her works have won numerous awards and are also an internationally renowned actor, trainer and organizational coach. Her work results have been recognized by major media outlets around the world, including New York Times, the UK BBC, and the Australian ABC TV. For more information, please visit www.melaniejoy.org/
